Insecure, unsure, evolving….
This or THAT. Bad and Good. Either or Neither.
Cue Hippie Flower Power Music “Come on people now…………love….
Click or Clique
I am scared of facing a group, I deal with rejection better one on one, the whole group variety gets me down. I haven’t gone to one of these mama meetup thingies because I am scared. I am trying to talk myself into it, really I am. But you see I really like the internet. I feel safe here. Such a sheltered life I live. I am an only child, I know this is an issue. I have always had to be my best friend, everyone else at some point is going to get busy so I provide for myself (at least I try). I tend not to be able to choose a steady and available friend……something gets in the way geography etc…long list.
Shock and Awe
The birthing controversy. It is difficult for me. I have to educate myself about everything that happens (or could happen) to my body. Name a book about childbearing, I have probably read it. I was told point blank by an OB I would probably not make it to 36 weeks with my pregnancy because of a meds I was on. I was to high risk for her practice. This was a whopper of a lie. I went on to deliver out of the hospital, in a birth center with midwives at 38wks. Forgive me if I don’t bow down to a doctors every word. I view doctors as very good rote memorizers with big egos. And I will check up and challenge almost everything that is said.
A few hours after S’s birth my MIL asked me if I would choose birth her in the same way again. I told her to ask me again in two weeks. After the shock and awe of birth wore off I was able to think clearly. A resounding YES was my answer. It was mystical, the whole experience. It tested me and I knew I could handle it. There was probably a half hour where I wanted drugs and that was only because I was resisting the process. Most books make it sound so animalistic….like your body makes you push that baby out. My big fat brain got in the way. Contractions were nothing. I could breathe my way out of that. Having to push with the contractions took some mental adjusting. You have to understand that I am the type of person who would do a sweat lodge to see what it is like. I viewed birth in a similar manner.
My Fanatical FeminNazi side is extremely disgusted with the Medical Establishment. Amy McKays’ The Birth House describes how midwives were pushed out of “the business”. It ties into what I think of as “divide and conquer”. Birth is powerful, magical, and mysterious part of a womans’ world. Men didn’t like it and saw an opportunity to make some cash while regulating the women folk further. It was a win win situation for them. Men generally held the purse strings in the early 20th century, they wanted the best most modern care for their woman. They chose the new doc. In the 20th century I let the menfolk “regulate” me. I listened and lived the messages “don’t wear that, she’s so thin and pretty, don’t use a condom- it doesn’t feel good, and your body is an object “.
Birthing with a midwife liberated my inner grizzly and united me with women around the world who have had the same experience. Besides I like being able to say I did it my way. Of course if there were complications I would have been happy with having a healthy baby any possible way. I am just the type to double check the lines doctors try to give you. I am proud of being stubborn and parting from the flock.
People around me who don’t educate themselves about birth choices and consequences rub me the wrong way. I try not to preach anything but……it is good to take an out of hospital birthing class. Please at least give me the fact that there is a conflict of interest here. My reasoning is that hospitals make lots of money from the birth-business, especially the drugs. See Race, Ethnicity, and Insurance (can be) Determinants of Epidural Use
And there are risks, people should be aware of these. The birth business has intentions…those are to make money and get you in and out as quick as possible. This has implications for care. We are not talking about evidence based care here. Doctors preferences have lots of influence on whether or not people get sucked into inductions and all the other snowballing interventions. In an ideal world where doctors practiced evidence based medicine, organizations like International Cesarean Awareness Network would be obsolete.
Just for the record the Unassisted Childbirth stuff kinda freaks me out. I liked having people there who were supportive and had some medical training. I realize I am very lucky to have had things go so good, if I chose an OB I don’t know if things would have gone that way. Dammit after a miscarriage, an ectopic, and 3 mos of clomid I was due for some reproductive luck.