Secure Insecurity

Insecure, unsure, evolving….

This or THAT. Bad and Good. Either or Neither.

Cue Hippie Flower Power Music “Come on people now…………love….

Click or Clique

I am scared of facing a group, I deal with rejection better one on one, the whole group variety gets me down. I haven’t gone to one of these mama meetup thingies because I am scared. I am trying to talk myself into it, really I am. But you see I really like the internet. I feel safe here. Such a sheltered life I live. I am an only child, I know this is an issue. I have always had to be my best friend, everyone else at some point is going to get busy so I provide for myself (at least I try). I tend not to be able to choose a steady and available friend……something gets in the way geography etc…long list.

Shock and Awe

The birthing controversy. It is difficult for me. I have to educate myself about everything that happens (or could happen) to my body. Name a book about childbearing, I have probably read it. I was told point blank by an OB I would probably not make it to 36 weeks with my pregnancy because of a meds I was on. I was to high risk for her practice. This was a whopper of a lie. I went on to deliver out of the hospital, in a birth center with midwives at 38wks. Forgive me if I don’t bow down to a doctors every word. I view doctors as very good rote memorizers with big egos. And I will check up and challenge almost everything that is said.

A few hours after S’s birth my MIL asked me if I would choose birth her in the same way again. I told her to ask me again in two weeks. After the shock and awe of birth wore off I was able to think clearly. A resounding YES was my answer. It was mystical, the whole experience. It tested me and I knew I could handle it. There was probably a half hour where I wanted drugs and that was only because I was resisting the process. Most books make it sound so animalistic….like your body makes you push that baby out. My big fat brain got in the way. Contractions were nothing. I could breathe my way out of that. Having to push with the contractions took some mental adjusting. You have to understand that I am the type of person who would do a sweat lodge to see what it is like. I viewed birth in a similar manner.

My Fanatical FeminNazi side is extremely disgusted with the Medical Establishment. Amy McKays’ The Birth House describes how midwives were pushed out of “the business”. It ties into what I think of as “divide and conquer”. Birth is powerful, magical, and mysterious part of a womans’ world. Men didn’t like it and saw an opportunity to make some cash while regulating the women folk further. It was a win win situation for them. Men generally held the purse strings in the early 20th century, they wanted the best most modern care for their woman. They chose the new doc. In the 20th century I let the menfolk “regulate” me. I listened and lived the messages “don’t wear that, she’s so thin and pretty, don’t use a condom- it doesn’t feel good, and your body is an object “.

Birthing with a midwife liberated my inner grizzly and united me with women around the world who have had the same experience. Besides I like being able to say I did it my way. Of course if there were complications I would have been happy with having a healthy baby any possible way. I am just the type to double check the lines doctors try to give you. I am proud of being stubborn and parting from the flock.

People around me who don’t educate themselves about birth choices and consequences rub me the wrong way. I try not to preach anything but……it is good to take an out of hospital birthing class. Please at least give me the fact that there is a conflict of interest here. My reasoning is that hospitals make lots of money from the birth-business, especially the drugs. See Race, Ethnicity, and Insurance (can be) Determinants of Epidural Use

And there are risks, people should be aware of these. The birth business has intentions…those are to make money and get you in and out as quick as possible. This has implications for care. We are not talking about evidence based care here. Doctors preferences have lots of influence on whether or not people get sucked into inductions and all the other snowballing interventions. In an ideal world where doctors practiced evidence based medicine, organizations like International Cesarean Awareness Network would be obsolete.

For a humorous look at how the birth-industry preps people see Hathor The Cow Goddess. Take a look at the whole BirthSmart series.

Just for the record the Unassisted Childbirth stuff kinda freaks me out. I liked having people there who were supportive and had some medical training. I realize I am very lucky to have had things go so good, if I chose an OB I don’t know if things would have gone that way. Dammit after a miscarriage, an ectopic, and 3 mos of clomid I was due for some reproductive luck.

2 Responses to Secure Insecurity

  1. bianca bean says:

    Groups of any kind can be weird, so I totally understand your apprehension. I have successfully psyched myself up to attend mom meetups to break the isolation I was in with Bean. Most have been good, one or two, not so good. I believe that everyone is nervous at the in-person ones, they just express it in different ways, some of which can be off-putting. I consider you a part of one already anyway; this loosely-knit online one is just as important to me as the in-person stuff.

    As for birth options, all that matters is that we have them. Stories from the 50s, 60s, etc are so appalling. It really is a male-dominated birthing industry that often robs women of their power.

    Personally, if I had gone to the birth center like I wanted to, I would have ended up at the hospital anyway. That kills me, it really does. I am crying now. I do every time I talk about it. I will always grieve for what I didn’t have. I wanted to push, I so wanted to push, why wouldn’t my body let this happen? I haven’t resolved it. I am angry at myself, I am angry about it all. I am scared to give birth again and I hate that. My body didn’t work the way it was supposed to. What if it betrays me again? But if the ObGyn (a woman who was fantastic to me and actually very empowering) hadn’t been so crazy-vigilant at 10 days overdue, we wouldn’t have known to rush me to the hospital and get him out. Even then, we tried to have me labor via induction for 18 hours, although it put Bean in even more distress. It was awful. I was, however, kept informed, given choices when possible, and compassionately cared for. I am learning to focus on those things. Only now as his first birthday approaches am I able to celebrate our emergency birth situation, besides for the obvious reason that it resulted in him 🙂
    Okay, I’ve stopped crying now.


  2. chaos says:

    oh sweetie, it is so great that your ob was very empowering to you. I definetly can empathize about bodies our betraying us. I am scared of trying again because of my own trials—and of not trying again soon because I’m afraid of not being able to concieve due to endometriosis. At the same time when I look at S I know it was all worth it and I am extremely blessed.


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